The Browns, Guardians and Cavs Christmas Lists

I wasn’t sure this article could be written. It’s hard enough to have sources in this business, but do you know how hard it is to have sources at the North Pole? Kris Kringle is known to run an organization without many leaks. Don’t ask me how I got them, but I was able to procure the Christmas lists for the Browns, Guardians and Cavs. This is a career-making score for me. Make your own judgements about what’s on the list and remember I’m just the messenger. Each team had 5 items, which seems a little contrived, but makes for a nice even discussion.

 

Browns’ Christmas List:

Before I get to the list, this was the only list of the 3 teams written in crayon. I’m not sure what that means but take it as you will.

Dear Santa,

1. We would like to be relevant for something other than an organizational catastrophe.

This seemed like an odd request considering every organizational catastrophe was self-inflicted. So, the Browns want Santa to save them from themselves.

2. We would like assistance cleaning tire tracks off our elf.

I never thought a sentence like that would ever be uttered, but a totally reasonable request.

3. A kicker. We ask every year, but every kicker you send us ends up breaking.

Again, a totally reasonable request. It’s incredible that Santa runs a multibillion-dollar organization and has achieved immortality but can’t build a better kicker for the Browns.

4. A new head coach. The one we have malfunctions on 4th down.

Hard to argue with that.

5. A new defensive coordinator. Ours only works as advertised a few games per year.

Again, hard to argue.

Solid list submitted by the Browns. I also saw some scribbles that looked like drawings of Super Bowl rings and ramblings about the quarterback. None of it made sense.

 

Let’s see what the Guardians are up to

Dear Santa, the most stable and well-run franchise in Cleveland humbly submits our yearly Christmas List.

I’m as surprised as you to see the Guardians refer to themselves the same way I do. Makes me feel like I’m on to something.

1. We need money for payroll. Please consider the minor ownership stake we’ve discussed recently.

This is great. Could you imagine the Christmas in July nights at the ballpark? It’s a treasure trove of marketing possibilities.

2. More bubble gum for Tito.

A great request, but Santa may need a bigger sleigh.

3. 2 outfielders that can preferably hit a baseball over 340ft regularly.

Some of you may not know this, but Santa is one of the foremost producers of power hitters. I mean, the guy gets everything done with some elves and 8 reindeer. Don’t tell me there isn’t a solid training program up there.

4. 2 starting pitchers that can pitch an entire season without needing repairs in June.

Hey, the best ability is availability. Santa knows that better than anyone. Hasn’t missed a Christmas in hundreds of years. He also avoided disaster during the great reindeer shortage of 1971 and got through that year without Prancer, Donner, and Blitzen.

5. A ballpark with a roof. It rains and snows in Cleveland when it shouldn’t.

If Santa takes donations, I will gladly give to this cause.

 

Last, but certainly not least, let’s take a look at what the Cavs asked of good old Saint Nick this year

1. A healthy Ricky Rubio.

The best trade deadline acquisition the Cavs could make is Rubio. Leading the second unit off the bench substantially changes this team.

2. A 3pt shooter.

I’m not sure what’s going on with Dylan Windler. Cedi Osman is streaky, Kevin Love’s ability to stay healthy is questionable, and Caris LeVert is Caris LeVert. Ricky Rubio should help here, but another long-distance threat is needed.

3. Another mobile big man.

Robin Lopez isn’t going to cut it here. He’s not a guy who will log heavy minutes and run the floor. This is a major hole and needs to be addressed via trade or the buyout market.

4. Please grant our players injury immunity.

Seems like a lofty expectation of Santa, but he is immortal. Maybe he can share a secret or two.

5. Tell us why the Browns get all the press. We won a Championship in 2016 and fans would pay more attention to one of their players getting a parking ticket.

Preach.

 

I hope you enjoyed this deep dive into the wish lists of our beloved Cleveland sports teams. One day I’ll be able to share with you how I obtained this information. Until then, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to one and all.